Welcome back, brave voyagers of the intestinal frontier. Today, we embark on a journey few dare to document: how to live better, smarter, and slightly weirder with poop as your guide. Yes, it’s a lifestyle post. And no, I haven’t lost all dignity — just most of it.
1. Fiber Is Your Friend (But Also Your Frenemy)
Too little, and you’re a slow, tragic mess. Too much, and you’re auditioning for a live-action lava performance. My tip: experiment with oatmeal, prunes, and the occasional questionable energy bar. Keep a notebook. Chart the shapes, textures, and… moods. You’ll start seeing patterns, like the stock market of your bowels.
2. The Art of Public Bathroom Recon
Before committing to a stall, do a full sweep. Check paper supply, odor levels, and the mysterious “wet floor zones.” Avoid the middle stalls — they’re cursed. Trust me on this. Take mental notes like a field biologist documenting an endangered species.
3. Bathroom Meditations
Ever sat on the throne and just… thought? It’s a rare form of clarity. Close your eyes, breathe, and reflect on the absurdity of life. How did we get here? Why does society insist on pretending pooping isn’t central to the human experience? I call this practice intestinal mindfulness.
4. Emergency Kit Essentials
You never know when disaster strikes. Keep a tiny kit: wet wipes (the biodegradable kind, if you care about irony), a mini air freshener (just don’t spray mid-flush — trust me), and a notebook for spontaneous philosophical revelations.
5. Poop as Performance Art
Yes, I said it. Sometimes, the process is a statement. A perfectly timed “plop” in a silent office bathroom is modern theater. Shapes, colors, timing — all part of the narrative. Embrace it. Document it. Laugh at it.
And finally, the big life lesson: poop is a mirror. Every clog, every heroic wipe, every unexpected encounter with a poorly designed toilet teaches patience, resilience, and humility. We are all just trying to pass through this messy, smelly life as gracefully as we can.
Next post: Toilet Graffiti: The Secret History of Humanity’s Funniest Thoughts. Spoiler: it’s dirty, brilliant, and shockingly philosophical.
— Forever chronicling the brown chronicles,
Blogger, 40, slightly obsessed, mostly sane
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